Parents have hopes & dreams. But they decided to take the wrong path by letting love get the best of them and destroy it by starting a family. They have kids. Kids whom they want them to fulfill the hopes & dreams which they failed to reach. Kids whom they discipline and shape to follow the path they failed to take. As the first child, I have endured their highest expectations of me for far too long. I am exhausted of reaching the dreams of theirs instead of mine. I have not been doing well in terms of my physical being due to such extent of pressure. I am sick. Mentally & physically. I hope this does reach to a level where life is meaningless to me. & i decide to do something radical and out of my mind.


Somebody shut her ass up.

A thousand apologies guys. I have been very VERY busy with everything basically.
So in a nutshell, I'm doing really good in school but I dread coming home. I am very aware that this is obviously a rebellious side that you do not really expect from me since I'm always about maintaining a healthy relationship with family members and shit like that. So now I am going to explain on the issues that have been making me upset uptight and pressured for the past 2-3 months and give my reasoning on why it upsets me a lot. If you are the: I-always-think-kids-who-complain-about-their-parents-are-just-assholes kind of people then I recommend you do not continue reading this post.

I am no trying to say that they are wrong for not giving me an easy time but here is what really happened.

They found out I'm dating someone who they are not fond off because of RELIGION & STUDIES. Once my dad found out I'm seeing someone who I have already explained that I'm not in a serious relationship with, he kept saying how bad a person that boy was. He kept picking out all his flaws. I would like to conclude that my dad has been assuming all this just because I am with a boy. Whether he is good or bad, my dad will never like him and bloody hell why would an 18 year old girl like me choose a fucked up guy?

Then, mom and him always pick on me or even worst give me the cold shoulder when I come home anytime after 9! Because they think I'm outside happily fooling around with the boy. The thing is, I do not blame them for thinking this way because parents naturally have that mentality. But the thing is,

1. how can I be going out with him every single time I come home after 9?
2. what about a simple dinner and movie? what's wrong with a simple date?
3. my sis is allowed to sleep over her friend's place over 2 days and not get a punishment and I get scolded for coming home at 9 from BOTH PARENTS
4. i feel like running away right now. please don't follow my mentality. I'm a terrible role model. hais

The thing is, I used to look forward to coming home. Even when I go out with him. I just love the thought of being in my pjs at night watching simpsons with my whole family. I love them so much. My parents cannot do this to me just because I am seeing someone.

They are not even taking the initiative to ask how I'm doing in school. If they know I'm doing so well, I'm sure they would have cut me some slack when they found out I'm dating. But no. Once they know I'm with someone, straightaway they inject the idea that I'm getting distracted in school. Yeah I completely understand that I am the eldest and I have to show a good example to my 3 other siblings. But maybe if you could just trust me enough to know that I am capable of choosing the right path and leave me to live my life outside the house, I could show them that he makes me happier and he makes me want to do well you know?

They are even half hearted about letting me go UK this April. Am I that bad a daughter?

Now, everytime I come home, my parents give me this "Im disappointed in you" vibe. My sister is freaking stepping on my head and giving me an even harder time with her stupid I want this I want that You cant have this cos you have bf. Freakin disrespecting the shit out of me.

I hate coming home cos everybody is giving me a hard time. Now you know why I want to run away? But ofcourse I'm not literally going to do it cos I am not that kind of person. But why isit that my family keeps projecting me that way???

So what's the reason for me coming home everyday? Family lah. I don't want them to worry and they never seem to understand how much I care for them. Even when I have called them to inform my whereabouts and that I'm coming home late, I still get a bloody scolding from my mom. AND MY SIS IS SLEEPING OVER HER FRIEND'S FOR 2 NIGHTS!

They are pushing me to the point whereby it is easier for me to just lie to them than to tell them the truth. I don't think that is what they want but they leave me with no othe choice. I am not going to stop talking to Julius just because of this. I feel that, I am not hurting or disturbing anyone. I am not a criminal nor a bad student. I have never gotten myself pregnant I don't disrespect the elders. Why isit that just because I am dating someone I automatically turn into a bad daughter?

I hate this. It is happening all over again. And then they scold me about not doing the chores when my other 3 siblings are having they're freaking holidays now. WTF??
I'm done for the night. I'm tired.
Goodnight everyone, hope you've had a better day(: